Artificially Flavored Intelligence
by Soren Lange
Artificial Intelligence is artificially flavored intelligence, or AFI. There are many different flavors of AFI. There is blueberry, strawberry, orange, mango, and raspberry. People are judged by their AFI flavor and their placement in the social hierarchy depends on that flavor. Raspberry is the rarest of all flavors so most government officials and leaders have raspberry AFI. Strawberry is the most common flavor of AFI, so most farmers make up strawberry AFI. Also some people can have two or three flavors of AFI. These people are so rare that only 73 have been recorded in the history of the world. These people become leaders of countries, armies, scientific fields, etc. A few people with multi-flavored AFI were Genghis Khan, who had raspberry and blueberry AFI; Albert Einstein, who had mango and strawberry AFI; and George Washington who had raspberry and orange AFI.
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Should the death penalty be abolished for every crime except jaywalking?
by Soren Lange
The death penalty for murder should be abolished because some people deserve to be murdered. Most everyone in the world has at least one person they want dead. So it would be for a good cause. It would also help with overpopulation, so anyone who commits murder is actually helping the community. If there (is less) are fewer people in the world, people wouldn’t have to pay as many taxes. People would have more money, so they would be able to afford things that they would not normally be able to afford. Lastly, there would be (much less) many fewer homeless people in the world because there would be (much less) many fewer people. Those people who have suffered their whole lives would be able to live in the homes of the people that died.
However, the punishment for jaywalking should be worsened because it is dangerous. When people jaywalk it is not helping the community like murder is. However, jaywalking does hurt people. You could hurt other people who don’t deserve it. The reason why you murder is to kill people who deserve it, but you could kill a kind and innocent person who doesn’t deserve to be killed. Because of this, jaywalking should have the punishment of death, but murder should have little of no punishment like writing lines on a chalkboard.
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Guillotine
by Lillian Ezzo
“Guilty!” The judge declared. “Wait, no!” Someone cried. She had seen what happened to the man who jaywalked the other day. He got sentenced to the guillotine. This time Sonette had gotten accused of murder. She was framed and couldn’t hire a lawyer.
“Please give me another chance!” Sonette pleaded, crystal tears running down her cheeks. “I’m sorry miss, but it has to be done.” The judge says. “To the blackboard!” Sonette felt her heart start to race as she followed heavily (guarded) armed men to a room. Inside was a blackboard and 10 sticks of chalk. “You will write ‘I will not murder.’ 500 times.” One man said. Sonette stood dumbfounded at the blackboard. “Then what?” she says. “Then you may go.” the man says. “Wait! What?” Sonette asks, confused. She didn’t argue and got to work.
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Florida Man Opens a Wormhole to Another Dimension
by Sophia Kantsevoy
Mr. Al Ingrid En, a resident of Orange County, Florida, recently posted online about his experiences on Saturnalia, which he claims to have visited multiple times over the course of several weeks.
“They’re very advanced over there.” Mr. En told us in an interview on Saturday night. “Everyone should visit Saturnalia, I mean. It’s the greatest place I’ve ever been.”
When asked about how to visit Saturnalia, Mr. En responded: “It’s simple really: just snap with one hand, trace a circle in the air with another, and write a series of runes onto a piece of treebark with your third hand and chant ‘Inhabitants of Saturnalia, welcome me into your ancestral homeland.” And, just like that, you’ll be in Saturnalia.
Our reporters questioned why Mr. En’s skin was tinged green and whether that was related to his visits to Saturnalia; but did not receive a direct answer.
“My skin? Oh that’s nothing! It’s just one of the many joyful things you’ll find on Saturnalia. Please visit.”
This article was written by Millie Johnson, a veteran writer of The Orlando Sun, and the late Amelia Rogersburg, who was eaten by Mr. En during the interview.
Thank you for supporting The Orlando Sun.
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Doorknobs
by William Han
Doorknobs are used by many people around the world and have proven to help many open doors. Though doorknobs help many open doors to get to the other side, they also have many flaws.
One of the flaws of doorknobs is the grip of the doorknob. The more smooth the doorknob, the less efficient it is to a person. Sliding doors can be very interesting as they can have dents to help pull it or can have knobs, but have some inefficiencies.
Some sliding doors can have a donut shaped doorknob which most hotels have.
Many doors also have locks which have been proven useful in keeping unwanted visitors out.
Smooth circular doorknobs can have a keyhole right in the center, and is in a very efficient spot to make opening the door easier. A flat door handle normally has a keyhole above the handle, and will unlock the door. These handles are more efficient.
Keyholes can include many variations, and some are harder to break than others. This is a great segue into doors with number combinations. Number keypads can act as a doorknob or can unlock the doorknob. Though I can get into more depth about number combinations, a swipe of a card can also give you access to the other side of the door.
Automatic doors prove to be a more sophisticated door used by grocery stores and important buildings. These doors are the most efficient, but have the least security, though automatic doors have no doorknobs.
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Abolishing the Death Penalty
by Liam Lange
The death penalty should be (demolished) abolished if you murder, because some people just need to be murdered. Overpopulation is a large problem everywhere, and although Covid helped with that, if everyone killed at least one person, the population would go down by at least 50%, giving more space for people to live in, more food, less taxes, less cost for anything, really, and more gasoline for you to drink. Also, when the population is low enough, you could just put the penalty back up. Or, you could just make them ask for permission to murder. Also, at least bring back the electric chair so that when you do kill them, you could make them hold something you wanted heated up and it will. And because murder would be anywhere people could make a profit by buying something that makes it illegal to kill them. More money! (Less) Fewer homeless people, more water, less trash and global warming skyrocketing.
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Replacing a National Holiday
by Calder Moore
I would like to add "Uncontrollable Anger Day" and take away Thanksgiving because it is a pointless holiday meant to raise money for already rich turkey farmers.
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The State Animal
by Soron Lange
If I could name a state animal, I would name it the rattlesnake. The current state animal is a crab, and crabs are gross disgusting creatures. Rattlesnakes are the opposite. They are fierce warriors who fight for their lives against the hordes of humankind.
Humans, for thousands of years, have been spreading their buildings, inventions, and ideas. They have trashed the earth and the animals inside it. Rattlesnakes are the elite of snakes and are classified by snake-ish society as the defenders of the snake species. They fight against humans day after day, and they are long overdue for a prize or recognition.
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Guillotine
by Lillian Ezzo
“Guilty!” The judge declared. “Wait, no!” Someone cried. She had seen what happened to the man who jaywalked the other day. He got sentenced to the guillotine. This time Sonette had gotten accused of murder. She was framed and couldn’t hire a lawyer.
“Please give me another chance!” Sonette pleaded, crystal tears running down her cheeks. “I’m sorry miss, but it has to be done.” The judge says. “To the blackboard!” Sonette felt her heart start to race as she followed heavily armed men to a room. Inside was a blackboard and 10 sticks of chalk. “You will write ‘I will not murder.’ 500 times.” One man said. Sonette stood dumbfounded at the blackboard. “Then what?” she says. “Then you may go.” the man says. “Wait! What?” Sonette asks, confused. She didn’t argue and got to work.
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Mark Zuckerberg should not be considered important.
by Victor Sanda
Mark Zuckerberg should not be considered important. First off, FaceBook is losing relevance in the modern world since there are many other websites to get news from. To add on, Mark Zuckerberg is clearly a lizard. He is going to break into Area 51 and free the aliens. Using his army, he will invade the world. Thus, in light of embracing our alien overlords, we shall stay silent until they take over. Thus, Mark Zuckerberg should not be considered important.
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The Most Interesting Thing I Did
by Victor Sanda
In Kindergarten I made a bug nursery. It kept falling due to poor design choices and low budget. However, my friends and I were convinced that it was due to those horrible 5th graders. In the end, our design was so amazing that we got our own Netflix show.
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Pickle Store
by Sophia Kantsevoy
A man walks into a Pickle Store. Barrels and boxes of all kinds of pickles line the walls – small, large, salty, sour, sweet, thin, fat, soft, crunchy. A man with a white handlebar mustache stands at the store’s cash register. “What is the most unique type of pickle you have?”, the customer asks the seller.
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